Independence
I have been told “Congratulations! You’ve found your Independence!” by one of my best friends. I don’t know if her house really does have mystical properties, giving all those who stay the night amazing clarity of mind. Or maybe it is just amazingly freeing to spend a night completely alone, to spend a day mostly that way, and to go see a movie without feeling the need to beg someone to go with. Maybe it’s the message of the movie I saw, some echo of “Be your own hero” that lodged itself into the deeper corners of my head. Whatever it is, I’m awake, No really, I’m totally awake, no snooze button or anything.
I no longer feel like I have to stick to the same path, the one that has failed me so far. I no longer feel like I’m stuck, like I’m falling into a black hole, with no hope, knowing I’m going to end up somewhere I dont want to be. I have realized that I can do anything I want. I CAN go back to school, and stay there till I have my higher degree. I CAN move, find myself in a new city if I want to. I am not too old to live my life the way I envisioned it when I was younger. I do not have to take what is handed to me. I can be exactly who I am, without the yoke of other peoples expectations, without the hell of constant uncertainty.
I can be certain of myself, and that alone is a revelation to me. The idea that I and I alone am responsible for myself, that I alone am responsible for my decisions, this is a remarkably foreign ideal. Even the idea that its ok to make decisions that those around me dont like, after all, it is my life right? A new way of life perhaps? Or maybe just a lessening of the fear that has followed me for years.
You have found at a young age that which eluded me until it was almost too late. The joy of knowing that we are a singularity, that our choices are our own. I have found that the majority of trouble in our lifes come not from making our own choices for us but having choice taken from us and from taking choice away from others and.
Live, love, laugh and even sometimes weep knowing that every day is a new day. That everyday YOU get to choose what your day will bring to your life. Know that there are people around you who love you for who you are, stand behind you in whatever decision you will make and will be there for you in your darkest hour.