Crazy
I’ve had reason to question my own sanity in the last week. To question the very foundation of who I am and what I am all about. To question whether or not my grip on reality is anywhere near as strong as I would like to believe. I’ve been shown examples of behavior, that to be honest, are probably somewhat accurate, although I pray to God distorted through the eyes of the person doing the showing.
I’ve been told that I have nothing to be upset about in my life, that I do nothing but complain, that I expect too much from those I love, and who love me. I have been told that I am quickly wearing out my welcome, that am acting like a child, that I have essentially become a burden to those closest to me. I have been told that it is my own fault, and only my fault, that two of my most difficult relationships are falling apart. I have been made to see the “truth” of the fact that it is essentially wrong to expect anybody to have any compassion for me, to be willing to talk to me whenever I am having a bad day, to be the friend that I had been used to having by my side. I have found out that expecting to be able to talk privately with my best friend is unacceptable, and that I must learn not only boundaries in conversation, but also to bear my heart with his girlfriend in the room. I have been told that I blame one person in particular for far too much, and that it is in fact all my fault. I have also been told that it is not ok to just have a bad day, that when I don’t wish to be talked to, when I just want to be left alone, then I am putting on a show, trying to get attention, and it is an irritant to those around me.
The truth is, all of these revelations came from the one person who has the most to gain from my thinking that I am unstable. The one person who I apparently blame everything on, and the one person who feels the need to be a go-between between me and my best friend, to the point where we rarely talk directly to each other. The one person who does her best to rip me off my happy cloud as soon as i get back on it, and then has the nerve to tell me I am always unhappy. The one person with the gall to tell me that she is never going to sugar coat, and will always tell me the truth (as she sees it), and yet never has a positive to tell me, and uses this “truthfulness” to control me as much as the thinks she can get away with.
Of course, there is always the possibility that she is right…..
