My Love Life
As promised, a rundown of why and how my love life is so screwed up right now.
First off, the very painfully obvious, my divorce. After being together a total of 8 years, my high school sweetheart and I have decided to call it quits. Well, I decided, and he is still fairly angry I think. It was not an easy decision, and I still feel a great deal of pain whenever I think about it too much. But hey, that’s to be expected right? My only hope is to be able to move on and one day get completely and totally on with my life. I only wish I COULD move on, right this instant, but even that is proving to be difficult, as he has decided the make sure we wait at least the minimum six months. I guess I’m just a little sore that he once said that he would simply follow my lead and do it when I wanted, and then so swiftly changed his mind.
Secondly, old friends. Between the one that I thought I loved, who is now my best friend, and the one I KNOW I love, who went running for the hills as soon as he found out, I haven’t had the best luck. The one will always be dear to me, one day perhaps even a true brother (by marriage to my sister of all people). Always there, and always looking out for me, I could not ask for a better friend, or sibling. Some say his opinion matters too much to me, others think that my attachment is perhaps too strong. But do I care? Not particularly.
The other, well the other is more difficult. One with whom I had a long standing flirtation, who nearly kissed me on at least one occasion (my own morality-fact that I was still married- being the only thing that pulled me away). One with whom I had amazing chemistry, and one for whom I had fallen nearly completely for, at least in my own head. As soon as he was approached by mutual friends, by people that were simply looking out for me, as soon as he got third hand word that I was interested, he turned tail and ran the other direction. I had finally gotten to the point of being OK with maintaining our friendship, even if it never led else ware, when he got spooked away. Now I don’t even know if i have a chance to salvage our friendship, much less ever have the “something more” that seemed so close to within my grasp.
And lastly, the new “friends”. I have an overwhelming need to be cared about, touched, loved. And from this need has arisen an addiction to Internet “dating”. There are the guys from other states, fun to talk to, and fun to fantasize about, and the guys that are actually from the city I live in, more dangerous, more needy, and often more expecting of a rendezvous. There is a large part of me that wants very much to begin actually dating these men, well boys many of them. But my morality (after all I am not divorced yet), as well as the oh so important opinion of that particular friend keep me from doing so. I don’t know if it is a curse or a blessing that the opinion of one man is enough to keep me in check, for my morality alone is not enough to do so. But I do know that many days, it is his disapproval, and only that, that keeps me from choosing to throw years of doing what I feel is right out the window, and turning into something I would regret.
