Independence

I have been told “Congratulations! You’ve found your Independence!” by one of my best friends. I don’t know if her house really does have mystical properties, giving all those who stay the night amazing clarity of mind.  Or maybe it is just amazingly freeing to spend a night completely alone, to spend a day mostly that way, and to go see a movie without feeling the need to beg someone to go with.  Maybe it’s the message of the movie I saw, some echo of “Be your own hero” that lodged itself into the deeper corners of my head. Whatever it is, I’m awake, No really, I’m totally awake, no snooze button or anything.

I no longer feel like I have to stick to the same path, the one that has failed me so far. I no longer feel like I’m stuck, like I’m falling into a black hole, with no hope, knowing I’m going to end up somewhere I dont want to be.  I have realized that I can do anything I want. I CAN go back to school, and stay there till I have my higher degree. I CAN move, find myself in a new city if I want to. I am not too old to live my life the way I envisioned it when I was younger. I do not have to take what is handed to me.  I can be exactly who I am, without the yoke of other peoples expectations, without the hell of constant uncertainty.

I can be certain of myself, and that alone is a revelation to me. The idea that I and I alone am responsible for myself, that I alone am responsible for my decisions, this is a remarkably foreign ideal.  Even the idea that its ok to make decisions that those around me dont like, after all, it is my life right? A new way of life perhaps? Or maybe just a lessening of the fear that has followed me for years.

Anticipation

I have been asleep, pretending to live my life, in a constant state of unconsciousness.  Nothing peaked my interest, rarely was anything important enough for me to actually look forward to it.  Everything from parties, to shows to new books, nothing was interesting, nothing was important. Even the “list” I spent so much time on, after only a couple of weeks, I was ready to put it aside.

Now, uncountably, I have anticipation back in my life.  Its true the the book I have chosen is a favorite since childhood. its also true that I have not gotten back on the horse in a real way as far as my list is concerned.  I am anticipating this weekend, like I cannot explain. I am anticipating getting back on that horse, reading a good book, even watching a show or going out with friends.

Its good, I hope it lasts.

Tarnishedviolet

Crazy

I’ve had reason to question my own sanity in the last week. To question the very foundation of who I am and what I am all about. To question whether or not my grip on reality is anywhere near as strong as I would like to believe.  I’ve been shown examples of behavior, that to be honest, are probably somewhat accurate, although I pray to God distorted through the eyes of the person doing the showing.

I’ve been told that I have nothing to be upset about in my life, that I do nothing but complain, that I expect too much from those I love, and who love me. I have been told that I am quickly wearing out my welcome, that am acting like a child, that I have essentially become a burden to those closest to me.  I have been told that it is my own fault, and only my fault, that two of my most difficult relationships are falling apart.  I have been made to see the “truth” of the fact that it is essentially wrong to expect anybody to have any compassion for me, to be willing to talk to me whenever I am having a bad day, to be the friend that I had been used to having by my side.  I have found out that expecting to be able to talk privately with my best friend is unacceptable, and that I must learn not only boundaries in conversation, but also to bear my heart with his girlfriend in the room.  I have been told that I blame one person in particular for far too much, and that it is in fact all my fault. I have also been told that it is not ok to just have a bad day, that when I don’t wish to be talked to, when I just want to be left alone, then I am putting on a show, trying to get attention, and it is an irritant to those around me.

The truth is, all of these revelations came from the one person who has the most to gain from my thinking that I am unstable.  The one person who I apparently blame everything on, and the one person who feels the need to be a go-between between me and my best friend, to the point where we rarely talk directly to each other.  The one person who does her best to rip me off my happy cloud as soon as i get back on it, and then has the nerve to tell me I am always unhappy.  The one person with the gall to tell me that she is never going to sugar coat, and will always tell me the truth (as she sees it), and yet never has a positive to tell me, and uses this “truthfulness” to control me as much as the thinks she can get away with.

Of course, there is always the possibility that she is right…..

THE list

So, I’ve been told that making a list of what you want out of life can help you in actually reaching your goals.  So here it is, the top however many things TarnishedViolet wants out of her life.

someone to love

someone to love her

a place where I truly belong

financial security

hummm… kind of  a short list….

I honestly don’t know if the shortness of my list is an indication of my having simple needs, or of me not really KNOWING what I want out of life. Either way, there it is, the four things I want to make sure I have in my life, preferably sooner rather than later.

I think I would rather think that my list is an indication of simple needs and desires. I don’t want much, and I’m flexible in how I acquire these “items”. I truly don’t know what my life has in store for me. I DO know that it will be interesting. And I know that I cant wait to turn the corner and find out.

TarnishedViolet

Sacrifice

Sometimes as  human beings we make sacrifices.

As a sister I sacrifice my time and energy, not just because my sister needs me, but because I want to grow my relationship with her, and be there for her.  I sacrifice my dignity, so that she does not have to give up her own. I sacrifice my safety, because as a big sister it is my job to protect her.  I sacrifice my will, because to impose it on her would not be in her best interest.

As a best friend and roommate I sacrifice much of the same. I sacrifice my comfort, so that he does not need to be uncomfortable. I sacrifice my time, so that my presence will not adversely affect his routine. I sacrifice my money so that everything comes out a little closer to fair.  I sacrifice my sanity, so that I am not in the way of his happiness. I sacrifice much, and expect little, although I receive more than I could have previously imagined.

I receive the care of people who are truly simply trying to look out for me. I receive the safety and comfort of a home like I have never really had before. I receive the knowledge that I belong somewhere, even if it is this very dysfunctional place.

Even though sometimes it is hard, and sometimes I feel like running hard and fast for the sake of my own sanity, I would not trade them for anything.  I would not give up this existence. I would not let them go for the sake of my sanity. And I would not allow my own inability to cope to destroy that which I find so important.

TarnishedViolet

The Goals List

So, about a month ago I sat down and made a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish over the next year.  Some things on the list I have been doing fairly well at accomplishing, others, well, I Suck at finishing any project, and some of the things on the list are things that I have already discussed.

Don’t get drunk enough to do stupid shit (I have a tendency to drink too much and do things that are inadvisable- like texting my runner friend)

Get a Divorce!!

Run 5K

Swim Mile

Lose 60 lbs

Read Bible cover to cover

Get better control of my temper

Write in my journal everyday ( I have decided that this blog counts)

Go to the gym 5 days a week

Actually FOLLOW and stick to Weight Watchers

Read 30 novels

My Love Life

As promised, a rundown of why and how my love life is so screwed up right now.

First off, the very painfully obvious, my divorce.  After being together a total of 8 years, my high school sweetheart and I have decided to call it quits.  Well, I decided, and he is still fairly angry I think. It was not an easy decision, and I still feel a great deal of pain whenever I think about it too much.  But hey, that’s to be expected right? My only hope is to be able to move on and one day get completely and totally on with my life. I only wish I COULD move on, right this instant, but even that is proving to be difficult, as he has decided the make sure we wait at least the minimum six months.  I guess I’m just a little sore that he once said that he would simply follow my lead and do it when I wanted, and then so swiftly changed his mind.

Secondly, old friends. Between the one that I thought I loved, who is now my best friend, and the one I KNOW I love, who went running for the hills as soon as he found out, I haven’t had the best luck.  The one will always be dear to me, one day perhaps even a true brother (by marriage to my sister of all people). Always there, and always looking out for me, I could not ask for a better friend, or sibling.  Some say his opinion matters too much to me, others think that my attachment is perhaps too strong. But do I care? Not particularly.

The other, well the other is more difficult.  One with whom I had a long standing flirtation, who nearly kissed me on at least one occasion (my own morality-fact that I was still married- being the only thing that pulled me away). One with whom I had amazing chemistry, and one for whom I had fallen nearly completely for, at least in my own head.  As soon as he was approached by mutual friends, by people that were simply looking out for me, as soon as he got third hand word that I was interested, he turned tail and ran the other direction. I had finally gotten to the point of being OK with maintaining our friendship, even if it never led else ware, when he got spooked away. Now I don’t even know if i have a chance to salvage our friendship, much less ever have the “something more” that seemed so close to within my grasp.

And lastly, the new “friends”. I have an overwhelming need to be cared about, touched, loved. And from this need has arisen an addiction to Internet “dating”.  There are the guys from other states, fun to talk to, and fun to fantasize about, and the guys that are actually from the city I live in, more dangerous, more needy, and often more expecting of a rendezvous. There is a large part of me that wants very much to begin actually dating these men, well boys many of them. But my morality (after all I am not divorced yet), as well as the oh so important opinion of that particular friend keep me from doing so.  I don’t know if it is a curse or a blessing that the opinion of one man is enough to keep me in check, for my morality alone is not enough to do so.  But I do know that many days, it is his disapproval, and only that, that keeps me from choosing to throw years of doing what I feel is right out the window, and turning into something I would regret.

This is me.

I’m a disaster – or well, my life is.  I’m in the middle of  a divorce from my HS sweetheart.  I’m over weight, and trying to get in shape via weight watchers, and an insane desire to try and run a 5K in a year.  My personal life is a mess… but more on that later.  I’m currently out of work…again.. this time laid off because the fledgling company I worked for lost most of their clients in a 2 week period.

Through all of that, I’m weirdly happy, and optimistic.  How do you get optimistic when your life is falling to shit around your ears? I have no idea.

I plan on posting daily, and randomly.  I welcome any and all comments (rudeness WILL be deleted).  Ive been told that my life is many peoples favorite soap opera, maybe somebody else will get a kick out of it too.

TarnishedViolet